‫- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD...
‫- "HAVE WE MET?"
‫- "YOU ARE CUTE."
‫- I'M AROUND TO TALK LATER ‫AFTER SCHOOL.
‫- I'LL HIT YOU UP LATER, ‫BUT IT WON'T BE TO TALK.
‫- OH, HEY, JENNA. ‫- IS MATTY HERE?
‫- I HAD OVERSLEPT, ‫BUT I DIDN'T REMEMBER SLEEPING.
‫I HAD BEEN TOSSING AND TURNING ‫ALL NIGHT.
‫WHY HAD EVA BEEN ‫AT MATTY'S HOUSE?
‫WERE THEY HOOKING UP?
‫WAS MATTY CONFIDING IN HER ‫ABOUT HIS LIFE,
‫AND WHERE WAS MY STUPID ‫PALOS HILLS HIGH HOODIE?
‫I WAS ALREADY LATE TO TAMARA'S ‫SENIOR HALLWAY DECORATING SESH
‫FOR SPIRIT WEEK, ‫BUT I WAS DISPIRITED.
‫THERE WAS ZERO PEP IN MY STEP.
‫[cell phone rings]
‫HEY, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
‫I KNOW IT'S NOT AN EXCUSE,
‫BUT EVA WAS ‫AT MATTY'S HOUSE LAST NIGHT.
‫I MEAN, I TRY TO BE A GOOD ‫FRIEND, AND THEN HE GOES OUT
‫AND REPLACES ME WITH THE ‫NEXT RANDOM GIRL HE CAN FIND.
‫AND WHAT'S HER DEAL ANYWAY?
‫I MEAN, SHE THINKS SHE'S SO COOL ‫AND KNOWS EVERYTHING.
‫IT'S, LIKE, STOP TRYING TO BE ‫FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE.
‫AND WHY ARE HER LEGS SO LONG?
‫SHE LOOKS ‫LIKE A FREAKING ALIEN.
‫- UM, IT'S EVA.
‫TAMARA'S DOING A MILLION THINGS, ‫AND SHE WANTED TO SEE
‫IF YOU COULD BRING HER ‫A LARGE COFFEE.
‫- IS THAT JENNA? ‫AND A CRONUT.
‫- AND A CRONUT.
‫- SURE THING.
‫[keys clacking]
‫[thud]
‫- [gasps] ‫CRONUT ME.
‫- WOW. LOOKS LIKE MATTY'S ‫NEW FRIEND EVA'S HERE.
‫- DO I HEAR A BITCH PITCH ‫IN YOUR VOICE?
‫SHE VOLUNTEERED ‫FOR SENIOR SPIRIT COMMITTEE.
‫- YEAH, WELL, I THINK SHE ‫ALSO VOLUNTEERED
‫TO BE HIS NEW SIDE PIECE.
‫- SO? ‫SHE'S AN EAGER BEAVER.
‫OR HE'S EAGER FOR HER-- ‫- NO, DON'T.
‫- ENOUGH.
‫STOP MOPING OVER MATTY.
‫THE EASIEST WAY TO GET OVER ‫GETTING BUSY WITH HIM
‫IS TO GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING ‫OR SOMEONE ELSE,
‫BUT SINCE YOU COULD BENEFIT ‫FROM HAVING A LOCK ON YOUR BOX,
‫YOU SHOULD CONCENTRATE ON--
‫[cell phone vibrates] ‫ONE SECOND.
‫- DID YOU GET ANOTHER PHONE? ‫- NO.
‫WELL, YES, ‫BUT THIS ONE'S AUTUMN'S.
‫- WAIT. WHO'S AUTUMN? ‫- AUTUMN SAN DIEGO--
‫THE ONLINE PERSONA I CREATED ‫TO CATFISH JAKE.
‫- OKAY, AS YOUR FRIEND, ‫IT IS MY JOB TO TELL YOU
‫THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS WEIRD, ‫STALKER-Y, AND NOT HEALTHY.
‫END IT.
‫- CHILL ‫WITH THE FREAK AND CRITIQUE.
‫OF COURSE I'LL END IT, ‫JUST NOT NOW.
‫I AM TOO BUSY ‫TO BREAK UP AGAIN.
‫- BUT IF YOU-- ‫- HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
‫I HAVE ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU.
‫YOU SHOULD COCHAIR ‫SPIRIT COMMITTEE WITH ME.
‫IT'S A TOTAL RESUME PADDER, ‫AND I NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK.
‫IF THE SENIORS DON'T WIN ‫SPIRIT WEEK,
‫I'LL JUMP OVERBOARD.
‫- YOU DON'T NEED ME.
‫I'M SURE THAT IT'LL BE ‫SMOOTH SAILING
‫NOW THAT YOU'RE IN CHARGE.
‫BUT I REALLY DO NEED YOU ‫TO SHOW ME
‫WHERE TO PUT ‫THESE, UM, RAVE STICKS.
‫- IT'S A ROBOT ARM.
‫THE THEME IS THE FUTURE. ‫DUH!
‫[whistle blows]
‫THE BANNER IS CROOKED! ‫- NICE ROBOT PENISES.
‫- CAN YOU HELP US, PLEASE, ‫WITH THIS?
‫- NO. YOUR PRESIDENCY, ‫YOUR PROBLEM.
‫- MATTY, CAN YOU HELP? ‫- SURE.
‫- OH.
‫[grunts] ‫OKAY.
‫- GOT IT?
‫OKAY, CATCH YOU LATER, E.
‫- HEY.
‫JUST ABOUT LAST NIGHT,
‫NOTHING HAPPENED ‫BETWEEN ME AND MATTY.
‫HE JUST WANTED TO TALK.
‫- IT'S FINE, ‫WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.
‫- UGH, THE SOPHOMORE SLUTS.
‫- THE SOPHOMORE SLUTS, ‫OR THE S.S.,
‫ARE THE MORTAL ENEMIES ‫OF SENIOR GIRLS EVERYWHERE.
‫SOMEHOW THESE GIRLS ‫HAD MAGICALLY MORPHED
‫OVER THE SUMMER ‫FROM DORKY FRESHMEN
‫TO A HOARD OF CLEAVAGE-BEARING, ‫SHORT-SHORTS-WEARING,
‫GIGGLING KESHA CLONES ‫WHO WERE ONLY TOO HAPPY
‫TO HANG ALL OVER ‫THE SENIOR GUYS.
‫- WHAT'S WITH ‫THEIR HAIR EXTENSIONS?
‫THEY DON'T MATCH ‫THEIR WHORE-DROBE.
‫IS THIS SOME KIND ‫OF SKANKY CULT THING?
‫- ORANGE MEANS ‫THEY'RE WILLING TO KISS,
‫PINK--BJs,
‫RED--THEY'RE WILLING ‫TO GO ALL THE WAY,
‫AND SILVER-- ‫- BACK DOOR?
‫- BACK DOOR, FRONT DOOR, ‫BASEMENT, AND ATTIC.
‫- [gasps] SLUTS. ‫- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
‫TAMARA, DO NOT USE THAT TERM.
‫THERE WILL BE NO SLUT-SHAMING ‫AT THIS SCHOOL.
‫I PREFER "SLAPPERS" OR "SLAGS."
‫IT'S BRITISH. MM.
‫- VAL, YOUR HAIR ‫IS VERY COLORFUL.
‫- OH, THANKS. ‫YOU NOTICED.
‫IT'S THE HOT NEW TREND. ‫ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT.
‫- WE AREN'T.
‫- YOUR POINT?
‫- VAL, I'M NOT SURE ‫YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND
‫WHAT THOSE EXTENSIONS ‫REALLY MEAN.
‫- YEAH, I DO.
‫THEY MEAN THAT YOU OLD LADIES ‫ARE BEHIND THE TIMES.
‫SO GO BACK TO YOUR HARD CANDIES ‫AND YOUR MOTHBALLS,
‫DAME JUDI DENCHES, ‫BECAUSE I...
‫AM THE FUTURE.
‫- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
‫THAT'S VA-JENNA'S JOB, ‫NOT THE CAPTAIN'S.
‫- I DON'T MIND.
‫I LIKE SORTING THE POM-POMS. ‫THEY'RE SO COLORFUL AND FUN.
‫AND SOMETIMES I LIKE TO PRETEND ‫THEY'RE LITTLE FLUFFY DOGS.
‫[imitates barking]
‫[laughs, imitates bark]
‫- SO I WAS READING THE BIBLE ‫LAST NIGHT.
‫- [gasps] ‫REALLY?
‫THAT'S SO AWESOME.
‫WERE YOU AT A HOTEL ‫OR SOMETHING?
‫- MY DAD BOUGHT ONE ‫WHEN HE THOUGHT
‫HE WAS GOING ‫TO WHITE-COLLAR PRISON.
‫ANYWAY, I READ THAT VERSE
‫ABOUT HOW THE MEEK ‫SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH.
‫- [gasps] ‫MATTHEW 5:5...
‫OR MATTHEW HIGH FIVE.
‫- RIGHT, BUT NOW ‫I'M NOT SO SURE
‫THAT CHEERING ‫IS WHAT JESUS WOULD DO.
‫I MEAN, SHOUTING ‫AND WEARING SHORT SKIRTS
‫ISN'T EXACTLY MEEK, IS IT?
‫- WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT ‫LIKE THAT,
‫BUT I ALWAYS THOUGHT JESUS ‫WOULD BE A CHEERLEADER,
‫AND DEFINITELY MARY.
‫- THAT'S A REALLY GOOD POINT.
‫REVERSE YOU'RE WELCOME.
‫THANKS.
‫YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE ‫HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT THE POWER
‫OF THE CAPTAINCY HAS REALLY BEEN ‫GOING TO YOUR HEAD,
‫BUT I DON'T THINK ‫THAT'S TRUE.
‫- PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT? ‫- DON'T WORRY.
‫THEY SAID THE SAME ABOUT ME ‫WHEN I WAS CAPTAIN,
‫THOUGH "GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL" ‫ISN'T EXACTLY MY BRAND.
‫OH, ANOTHER FUN FACT ‫FROM THE BIBLE.
‫DID YOU KNOW ‫THAT "JUDAS" AND "LISSA" HAVE
‫THE SAME AMOUNT OF LETTERS?
‫SO WEIRD.
‫[chuckles]
‫- IT'S TIME FOR THE FIRST ‫COMPETITION OF SPIRIT WEEK--
‫CHUBBY BUNNY.
‫[applause]
‫YOU ALL KNOW THE RULES. ‫- I'M AFRAID I DON'T.
‫IS CHUBBY BUNNY ‫SOME SORT OF FAT RODENT?
‫- NO, IT'S ‫A PHYSICAL CHALLENGE.
‫YOU PUT A MARSHMALLOW ‫IN YOUR MOUTH,
‫AND YOU SAY "CHUBBY BUNNY."
‫THE FIRST PERSON ‫TO SAY "CHUBBY BUNNY" CLEARLY
‫WITH THE MOST MALLOWS ‫IN THEIR MOUTH WINS.
‫- THAT IS RUDE! ‫- SO PIGGISH.
‫- YOU'RE BOTH RUDE AND PIGGISH, ‫AND IT'S TRADITION.
‫NOW, CAN EACH CLASS REP ‫PLEASE COME TO THE STAGE?
‫[all giggling]
‫AND, OF COURSE, ‫THE SENIOR-CLASS REP
‫AND THREE-TIME CHUBBY BUNNY ‫CHAMP MATTY MCKIBBEN,
‫COME ON UP.
‫[cheers and applause] ‫- PLEASE!
‫LET ME DO IT THIS YEAR.
‫I'M NOT ALLOWED SUGAR AT HOME. ‫- GO FOR IT, MAN.
‫- BUT IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT ‫THAT WE WIN THIS.
‫- KYLE'S GONNA KILL IT. ‫LOOK AT THAT INTENSITY.
‫- UGH, FINE. ‫GET UP HERE, KYLE.
‫- MOVE.
‫- ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, STUFF!
‫- [clearly] ‫CHUBBY BUNNY.
‫- [mumbling] ‫CHUBBY BUNNY.
‫- [clearly] ‫CHUBBY BUNNY.
‫[applause]
‫- IT'S SUPPOSED TO MELT ‫IN YOUR MOUTH NOT IN YOUR HAND.
‫- I'M A DIABETIC.
‫- UGH, FRESHMAN, IS YOUR BRAIN ‫EVEN FULLY FORMED YET?
‫DO YOU STILL BREAST-FEED? ‫- NOT SINCE I WAS EIGHT.
‫all: EW.
‫- KYLE, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED ‫TO EAT THEM.
‫- CAN'T STOP.
‫SUGAR HIGH.
‫SO HIGH!
‫- THE MARSHMALLOWS ARE BLAZED.
‫- [laughs]
‫- MY TURN.
‫[all gasp]
‫- MMM. ‫[giggles]
‫[mumbling] ‫CHUBBY BUNNY.
‫MMM.
‫[mumbling] ‫CHUBBY BUNNY.
‫- SOPHOMORES WIN!
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- YES! IT IS ‫ALL ABOUT MACKENZIE.
‫THAT GIRL IS A PROFESSIONAL.
‫- WE'RE TALKING STAR QUALITY.
‫- MATTY.
‫ARE YOU OKAY?
‫- I'M FINE. ‫WHY?
‫- YOU'RE NOT UPSET ABOUT THE END ‫OF YOUR CHUBBY BUNNY REIGN?
‫- YEAH, YEAH, I'M REALLY ‫BROKEN UP ABOUT IT.
‫- [chuckles] ‫LISTEN...
‫I KNOW OUR RELATIONSHIP ‫HAS CHANGED, AND IT'S COOL.
‫I JUST THOUGHT ‫THAT I WOULD BE THE PERSON
‫THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO TALK TO ‫ABOUT STUFF,
‫NOT SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNOW.
‫- SO YOU WANT ME TO RUN PEOPLE ‫BY YOU BEFORE I TALK TO THEM?
‫- NO, NO, NO, ‫THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
‫- [giggles] ‫MATTY, DID YOU SEE ME WIN?
‫- YEAH, YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS.
‫- SO MATTY HAD COMPLETELY ‫REPLACED ME IN HIS LIFE.
‫EVA FOR CONVERSATION,
‫AND MACKENZIE ‫WAS CLEARLY AVAILABLE
‫FOR WHATEVER ELSE HE NEEDED.
‫I WAS RENDERED OBSOLETE ‫IN LESS THAN A DAY.
‫- WE LOOK LIKE IDIOTS.
‫- OH, WE'RE SUPPOSED ‫TO BE ROBOTS.
‫- I KNOW, ‫BUT WE LOOK LIKE HOBOS
‫WHO POSE LIKE STATUES ‫FOR MONEY.
‫- MY FRIEND DID THAT ‫IN CENTRAL PARK,
‫AND HE'S ‫IN CIRQUE DU SOLEIL NOW.
‫- [gasps] ‫I LOVE THE CIRCUS.
‫- FASCINATING, EVA.
‫- THIS LOOKS AMAZING, SENIORS.
‫IT'S LIKE SOMEONE FROM ‫1982'S IDEA OF THE FUTURE--
‫VERY TRON.
‫IT'S A COMPLIMENT...
‫ALTHOUGH I COULD DO ‫WITHOUT THE SPACE DILDOS.
‫- SO ARE WE THE BEST HALLWAY? ‫- LOOKS LIKE IT.
‫[distant cheering, ‫electronic music]
‫WAIT. ‫DO YOU HEAR THAT?
‫*
‫- OH.
‫- SOMEBODY GET THESE GIRLS ‫BANANAS FAST!
‫- THESE LITTLE GIRLS LOST KNOW ‫EXACTLY WHERE THEY'RE GOING.
‫- WOW.
‫- THIS IS GLORIOUS.
‫SOPHOMORES WIN ‫THE HALLWAY CONTEST.
‫FOR THE FIRST TIME ‫IN RECORDED HISTORY,
‫THE SENIORS ‫MIGHT LOSE SPIRIT WEEK.
‫- [giggles]
‫- [bleep] JUST GOT REAL.
‫- THE SOPHOMORE SLUTS ‫HAD SWEPT
‫ALL THE SPIRIT WEEK ‫COMPETITIONS,
‫SO THE SENIOR GIRLS, ‫DETERMINED TO PUT THOSE SKANKS
‫IN THEIR PLACE, ‫WERE ALL ON TIME
‫FOR THE POWDER PUFF PRACTICE,
‫EXCEPT TAMARA, ‫WHICH WAS SO UN-TAMARA.
‫MEANWHILE, LISSA WAS TEACHING ‫THE SENIOR GUYS CHEERS,
‫BUT MATTY AND JAKE ‫WERE ALSO NO-SHOWS.
‫- THE CHEER GOES LIKE THIS--
‫KNEE 'EM IN THE GROIN!
‫GOUGE 'EM IN THE EYE!
‫KILL 'EM, KILL 'EM, ‫PALOS HIGH!
‫- WOW. I NEVER REALIZED ‫HOW VIOLENT THAT CHEER WAS.
‫W-W-J-C--
‫WHAT WOULD JESUS CHEER?
‫- HEY. ‫ARE WE PRACTICING?
‫OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED ‫TO YOU? YOU OKAY?
‫- I WAS UP ALL NIGHT.
‫"WHAT WAS YOUR EX LIKE?"
‫"CONTROLLING"?
‫"YOU MEAN ORGANIZED?"
‫[scoffs]
‫"WAS SHE AT LEAST CUTE?"
‫"OKAY"?
‫"CRAZY"?
‫WHAT DO YOU MEAN "CRAZY"?
‫WHERE IS HE?
‫WHY ISN'T HE ANSWERING?
‫AM I CRAZY?
‫- NO, HE IS.
‫SO DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING PLANNED ‫FOR PRACTICE?
‫- NO, BUT IT'S OKAY.
‫I'LL JUST STAY UP ALL NIGHT ‫TONIGHT AND LEARN THE PLAYS.
‫I'LL BE FINE. FINE!
‫- I'LL COACH POWDER PUFF. ‫- REALLY?
‫- GIVE ME THE CLIPBOARD ‫AND THE WHISTLE.
‫[whistle blows]
‫- HEY, POUNDER MUFFS, ‫CAN WE PRACTICE ALREADY?
‫- PRACTICE IS POSTPONED ‫UNTIL TOMORROW.
‫I'M TAKING OVER COACHING DUTIES, ‫AND I NEED TIME TO PREPARE.
‫- YOU CAN'T COACH.
‫ALL YOU KNOW IS LOSING! ‫THE POINT IS TO WIN.
‫- I COULD TEACH YOU SOME PLAYS ‫IF YOU WANT.
‫I WAS TUTORED ‫BY A YALE FOOTBALL PLAYER.
‫- I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
‫I'M FINE. I JUST NEED ‫TO ORGANIZE MY PLAYBOOK.
‫AND BY THAT, I MEANT LEARN ‫EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO KNOW
‫ABOUT FOOTBALL BEFORE TOMORROW,
‫BECAUSE IF THE SOPHOMORE SLUTS ‫WERE MAKING A PLAY
‫FOR OUR SENIOR BOYS, ‫THEY WERE GONNA BE INTERCEPTED.
‫- MOM, WE NEED TO TALK ‫ABOUT SOMETHING.
‫- THIS IS A TALK ‫WE SHOULD HAVE HAD A WHILE AGO.
‫- I AGREE.
‫- IT HAS TO DO ‫WITH SOMETHING IN THE GARAGE.
‫- YEAH.
‫- THIS IS HARD. ‫WHERE DO I START?
‫- JUST BE HONEST WITH ME.
‫- AFTER THE DIVORCE, ‫A LOT OF THINGS CHANGED,
‫PARTICULARLY WITH MY FINANCES.
‫WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.
‫SO YOU CAN IMAGINE ‫HOW DISAPPOINTED I WAS
‫TO FIND A DENT IN YOUR CAR.
‫- WHAT?
‫- I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE ‫YOU KEPT IT FROM ME.
‫- YEAH, IF I EVER FOUND OUT ‫THAT YOU OR DAD
‫WERE KEEPING SOMETHING FROM ME, ‫I'D BE SUPER UPSET.
‫- HEY, DAD.
‫CAN YOU TEACH ME ‫SOME FOOTBALL PLAYS?
‫- I THOUGHT THIS DAY ‫WOULD NEVER COME.
‫SO, IF YOU CALL A BLAST, ‫THEN WHAT?
‫- THE RUNNING BACK TAKES A QUICK ‫HANDOFF FROM THE QUARTERBACK
‫AND HITS THE HOLE ‫BETWEEN THE GUARD AND TACKLE.
‫- SO PROUD.
‫YOU'RE REALLY GOOD ‫AT MEMORIZING THESE PLAYS.
‫- I JUST REALLY WANT ‫TO WIN THIS GAME.
‫- AND DON'T GET ME WRONG.
‫I LOVE YOUR SUDDEN INTEREST ‫IN FOOTBALL,
‫BUT WHY DO YOU NEED ‫TO WIN SO BADLY?
‫- JUST SENIOR PRIDE.
‫AND THERE ARE THESE ‫SOPHOMORE GIRLS
‫WE'RE PLAYING AGAINST ‫WHO ARE SO ANNOYING!
‫both: THE SOPHOMORE SLUTS? ‫- HERE WE GO.
‫- HOW DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT?
‫- HONEY, THE SOPHOMORE SLUTS ‫HAVE BEEN AROUND
‫SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME.
‫- SHAMELESS, ‫DISGUSTING, FILTHY.
‫- ALLY WAS ‫AN ORIGINAL SOPHOMORE SLUT.
‫- LITTLE BITCH, BEFORE ME THE ‫TRAMP STAMP WAS SIMPLY KNOWN
‫AS A LOWER-BACK TATTOO.
‫- THAT'S TRUE. ‫- "O.G.S.S."--
‫"ORIGINAL SOPHOMORE SLUTS."
‫OKAY, WELL, NOWADAYS THEY WEAR ‫COLORED HAIR EXTENSIONS, SO...
‫- UGH. ‫- THOSE NASTY LITTLE SKANKS.
‫NO OFFENSE, ALLY. ‫- OH.
‫- OH, THEY WERE LIKE ‫SEXUALLY AGGRESSIVE ZOMBIES,
‫AND THE BOYS JUST LOVED IT.
‫- BECAUSE GUYS ARE ASS(Bleep).
‫- OH, YEAH, BLAME IT ‫ON THE GUYS.
‫- WHO ELSE ‫SHOULD WE BLAME, KEVIN?
‫- COME ON, SENIOR GIRLS ‫WERE SO STRESSFUL
‫AND CONSTANTLY TALKING ‫ABOUT THEIR EMOTIONS.
‫- SORRY BEING PREGNANT BROUGHT ‫OUT A LOT OF EMOTIONS IN ME.
‫- SWEETIE, I'M ALL FOR WINNING, ‫BUT BEATING THE SOPHOMORE SLUT--
‫I MEAN, GIRLS--
‫IS NOT GONNA KEEP ‫YOUR GUY FRIENDS
‫FROM HANGING OUT WITH THEM.
‫THEY'RE NOT BAD GUYS. ‫THEY'RE SENIORS.
‫THEY JUST WANT ‫TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
‫- SHOULD WE DO SHOTS? ‫- OH, GOD.
‫[both laughing] ‫- HEY, MAN.
‫COME HANG OUT WITH US ‫WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH WORK.
‫- LET'S GET FRO YO.
‫- SURE, LET'S GO NOW.
‫I'M, UH-- ‫I'M DONE WITH THIS JOB.
‫I DON'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING, ‫AND I AM CONSTANTLY COLD.
‫- DON'T YOU WANT THE EXTRA CASH? ‫- NO, IT'S NOT WORTH IT, MAN.
‫I AM SICK OF PEOPLE ‫CONSTANTLY ORDERING ME AROUND.
‫- YOU CAN ORDER ME AROUND. ‫- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
‫- WHOA. ‫WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
‫WHILE YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK, ‫YOUR SHIRT IS OFF.
‫- WELL, I'M CLOCKING OUT ‫FOR GOOD.
‫I FEEL RIDICULOUS. ‫- [giggles] RIDICULOUSLY HOT.
‫- LISTEN TO THE TINY TROLLOP.
‫- OH, YEAH? ‫LATER.
‫LET'S GO, MACKENZIE. ‫LET'S GET FRO YO.
‫- O.M.G., ‫I LOVE A BADASS,
‫ESPECIALLY A BADASS ‫WITH A GOOD ASS.
‫[chuckles]
‫- YOU LEAVE NOW, ‫DON'T YOU DARE COME BACK.
‫[all laugh]
‫- WHY ARE YOU WEARING A TOGA? ‫IT'S GEEK DAY.
‫- I THOUGHT IT WAS GREEK DAY.
‫- WHAT'S UP?
‫- I DON'T WANT TO BE ‫CHEER CAPTAIN.
‫- WHAT? WHY?
‫- BECAUSE...
‫BECAUSE...
‫- BECAUSE SHE'S COVETING ‫THE CAPTAINCY,
‫AND A WISE AND POWERFUL OLD MAN ‫WITH A BEARD SAID THAT'S A SIN.
‫- OKAY, I DON'T CARE ‫WHAT SANTA SAID.
‫I NEED A MORE CONCRETE EXCUSE, ‫LIKE AN INJURY.
‫FOR EXAMPLE,
‫WHAT IF I WERE TO HIT YOU ‫ON YOUR HAND RIGHT NOW
‫WITH THIS TAPE DISPENSER?
‫THAT WOULD TAKE YOU OUT, HUH?
‫- NEVER MIND! ‫I'LL BE CHEER CAPTAIN!
‫- AND THAT'S WHAT I CALL ‫A VAL TEACHING MOMENT.
‫I THINK I'LL REWARD MYSELF ‫WITH A SPICY ITALIAN SUB.
‫[cheers and applause] ‫- IT WAS GAME TIME.
‫IT DIDN'T MATTER ‫IF MATTY AND I WERE ON THE OUTS.
‫IT WAS THE PRINCIPLE OF IT.
‫IF THE SOPHOMORE SLUTS ‫WERE GONNA MAKE A PLAY
‫FOR THE SENIOR BOYS,
‫THEY WERE GONNA BE INTERCEPTED ‫OR TACKLED
‫OR SOME FOOTBALL THING, ‫IF THEY EVER SHOWED UP.
‫[all screaming]
‫- ARE WE SHOOTING ‫A BEER COMMERCIAL?
‫- WE HAVE NO CHEERLEADERS!
‫THE OTHER GUYS FOUND OUT MATTY ‫AND JAKE WEREN'T CHEERING,
‫SO THEY BAILED.
‫- SHEEP. ‫BUT I'M HERE.
‫I'M ALWAYS HERE ‫FOR YOU, JENNA.
‫[grunts] ‫- LET ME TALK TO THEM.
‫[cheers and applause]
‫HEY, NO BIGGIE, BUT DO YOU THINK ‫YOU GUYS COULD CHEER FOR US?
‫BECAUSE YOU'RE DRAGGING ‫EVERYONE DOWN
‫INTO YOUR ‫REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE HOLE,
‫AND GOOD PEOPLE ‫ARE COLLATERAL DAMAGE.
‫BUT I'M CHILL.
‫- REALLY? ‫'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT CRAZY EYES.
‫- CRAZY? ‫I WILL SHOW YOU CRAZY.
‫NOW, GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASSES ‫AND CHEER.
‫IT IS THE LEAST YOU COULD DO!
‫- ACTUALLY, ‫IT'S NOT THE LEAST WE COULD DO.
‫COME ON. ‫[cheers and applause]
‫- LET'S CHEER ‫FOR THE SOPHOMORES.
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- I HAD NEVER WANTED TO WIN ‫SOMETHING SO BADLY.
‫THE S.S. WERE RUNNING
‫SOME SERIOUS INTERFERENCE ‫WITH OUR LIVES.
‫THEY NEEDED TO GET SACKED.
‫both: ‫GO, SENIORS!
‫- LET'S DO THIS! WHOO! ‫- [mouths words]
‫[whistle blows]
‫[all screaming]
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- GO, SENIORS!
‫all: OOH!
‫- COME ON. ‫ALL RIGHT, LET'S HUDDLE.
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- HUT, HIKE.
‫[whistle blows, ‫cheers and applause]
‫[dance music]
‫[all grunting]
‫- BOY, THAT'S ONLY HALFTIME.
‫[overlapping chatter]
‫- HEY, COACH.
‫I THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED ‫TO GIVE AN INSPIRING SPEECH.
‫- I WASN'T FEELING INSPIRING.
‫I WAS FEELING SCREWED, ‫NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
‫[whistle blows]
‫OKAY...
‫SO WE ARE SUCKING OUT THERE, ‫A LOT.
‫OUR OWN SENIOR BOYS ‫ARE CHEERING AGAINST US,
‫AND NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY ‫TO BE THE MATURE ONES,
‫THEY DON'T APPRECIATE IT.
‫THEY CHOOSE BIKINIS OVER ROBOTS, ‫SIMPLE OVER COMPLICATED.
‫AND WHEN THERE IS A HISTORY ‫BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE
‫AND THINGS GET ROUGH,
‫IT IS EASIEST TO FALL ‫INTO THE ARMS OF THE CLOSEST,
‫SLUTTIEST OPTION.
‫AS LONG AS THOSE SLUTS EXIST, ‫WE'RE NEVER GONNA WIN.
‫- THAT WAS LITERALLY THE WORST ‫PEP TALK I HAVE EVER HEARD.
‫I SAY WE GO OUT THERE ‫AND KICK THOSE SLUTS' ASSES.
‫ARE YOU WITH ME, BITCHES? ‫[all cheer]
‫[whistle blows]
‫- LOOKS LIKE YOUR GUY FRIENDS ‫CAME OVER TO OUR SIDE.
‫IT MUST SUCK TO BE OLD ‫AND UNDESIRABLE.
‫- I LIKE YOUR HAIR. ‫IT ALMOST LOOKS REAL.
‫- THANK YOU.
‫IS YOURS?
‫WHOOPS. ‫all: OH.
‫- THAT'S WHEN MY DAD'S WORDS ‫CAME TO ME
‫LIKE A BLITZ TO MY BRAIN.
‫BEATING THE SOPHOMORE SLUTS ‫IN FOOTBALL
‫WOULDN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
‫THESE GIRLS,
‫NO MATTER HOW MUCH I HATED ‫THEIR BARE MIDRIFFS
‫AND HOT PANTS ‫WEREN'T THE PROBLEM.
‫THE PROBLEM WAS MATTY.
‫- IF YOU DON'T DO IT, I WILL.
‫[rock music]
‫- [screams]
‫[all screaming]
‫- SADIE, SAVE YOURSELF!
‫[whistle blows]
‫- MY FIRST FIGHT, AND ‫I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A BADASS.
‫I JUST HAD A BAD TASTE ‫IN MY MOUTH.
‫SENIORS HAD LOST SPIRIT WEEK ‫TO THE SOPHOMORES
‫FOR THE FIRST TIME IN, ‫WELL, EVER.
‫THEN AGAIN, MAYBE THE BAD TASTE ‫WAS FROM ALL THE DIRT I ATE
‫WHEN JACKIE SMOOSHED MY FACE ‫INTO THE GROUND.
‫HEY, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ‫MY BACK EARLIER.
‫- NO WORRIES, AND I DIDN'T KNOW ‫YOU AND MATTY HAD DATED.
‫IF I HAD KNOWN THAT,
‫I WOULD HAVE INVITED YOU INSIDE ‫THE OTHER DAY.
‫- IT'S OKAY. I'M SORRY ‫FOR BEING A JERK TO YOU
‫JUST BECAUSE ‫MATTY'S BEING A JERK TO ME.
‫- WELL, I JUST HOPE ‫WE CAN BE FRIENDS.
‫CHICKS BEFORE DICKS... ‫ALWAYS.
‫[chuckles]
‫- WHOO!
‫- HEY, HEY, HEY! ‫- [laughs]
‫IT'S TIME ‫TO GHOST RIDE THE WHIP!
‫- YES, HOTNESS!
‫- OH, IF ANYTHING HAPPENS ‫TO YOUR CAR,
‫YOUR PARENTS ‫ARE GONNA KILL YOU.
‫- OH, LIGHTEN UP, ROSATI.
‫- ALL RIGHT, WELL, ‫I'M GONNA FILM IT.
‫[all cheering]
‫OKAY, OKAY, GO.
‫- WHOO!
‫[dance music]
‫*
‫- HOLY--
‫[crashes]
‫both: ‫HOLY [bleep]!
‫- NEXT ON AWKWARD...
‫- HEY, YOU SHOULD STOP BY ‫THIS FUND-RAISER TONIGHT.
‫- I'LL TRY TO MAKE IT. ‫- DO THAT.
‫- YOUR SORORITY IS AMAZE-TITS.
‫VODKA PLUS GIRL TALK ‫PLUS COMMUNAL CLOSET
‫EQUALS HAPPY TAMARA.
‫- YES, HOT TUB.